Sadness

Why am I feeling so sad?  I am taking my meds but I still feel a gloominess.  But, also, a genuine, deep  love of family and friends.  Feelings that so often stay buried beneath the dry, dead skin cells of my body.  Feelings that medications dull.  Dulled like a knife pulled across rocks.  Ragged metal edges good for little else than spreading butter instead of cutting meats and vegetables.  Worthless except for the ability to make folks smile.  

I cannot get my gumption in place to finish any of tens of projects.  I only want to hide in books.  Showering feels good but I have to work hard to make myself do it.  Just like the rehab exercises that I put off.  Truth is pain lingers waiting to attack with the next wrong move.  I dread the pain that comes in various degrees.  Sunday night's 8 in my left leg.  Just laying on my left side was painful.  Food is used as a comfort.  But the comfort is short lived. Especially when I step on the scales.  Weight gain.  

Gene is in various degrees of pain.  Neck, lower back, hernia, and the need for PT keeps me busy.  It is unsafe for him to drive as his neck cannot swivel to watch for traffic.  This is leaving me tired.  I try not to mention the pain that every few days the racks my body.  Do not distract from caring for Gene.  I would be less than nothing without him.  I am scared.  Scared of a misstep by surgeons as they work to heal him.  Missteps like in 2007 when doctors thought it was pneumonia not a ruptured lung.

My trust is thin right now.  Dear Lord, forgive my lack of trust.  Forgive my fear of a future without my blessed Gene.  Restore my faith, I pray.

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